The big 20! This is the twentieth daily Blog! Pretty exciting.
It represents 20 posts I decided to open up about my life. It marks 20 posts in which I actually blogged and worked on my blog instead of being lazy and watching TV or something. I am now laying in bed, later than I wanted to go to bed if you recall from the last blog, but I wanted to start this blog and kind of touch on the fact that this is the big 20. Woo!
(Editor’s note: The special thing, as it turned out, is baring my entire soul.)
I have been busting ass at work all morning, and now I am wondering if the impending potential tropical storm has made the day go longer.
Because DAMN it is DRAGGING today!! They say bad weather can make the day go longer but the storm isn’t even here yet.
I am trying very hard to stay in an upbeat, positive mood, and avoid the Thursday Curse, but it has been a bit of a dozy.
My grandfather isn’t doing to well, and I am worried about him. Talking to my mom helps me worry less about my grandpa, but only because then I worry about my mom even more.
It is really hard to be so far away from family. I know many people are surprised when I open up about this, because in my day to day life I always make jokes and laugh off being alone in a big city, with my nearest family 14 hours away. It is actually really tough. If something happens, it’s 14 hours. Hell, even with planes, and driving to an airport, if my mom needed me, it would take 6-14 hours to get to her.
It would take my mom that long to get to me too.
My grandma is gone, which we are all still struggling with, grandpa isn’t doing any better, and I am impossibly far away. Sure, I have cousins and an aunt and uncle about 6 hours from here but we are not close at all, and I doubt they would come a running if I needed help. I doubt they would even call me if they needed help, which sucks.
I am very alone, family wise, in this city, in this giant state. I have friends who are everything wonderful in this world, like Amber and Damon, and Bret, of course. Bret has his family, but so often that only shines a flashlight on how much I do not have family near me.
The funny thing is, all the places I am looking to move to are even further away, from my family, but that would be my choice on where I am living.
We moved here on my 13th birthday, right after I had finally figured out how to be popular and fairly well liked in my school, after years of being “not understood” by the southern folks confused by the “damn Yankee”.
It was raining, so the excitement of finally having sidewalks to walk on, as we didn’t have any in rural Tennessee or upstate NY, was “dampened” by said rain, and I couldn’t call my friends because it was long distance and also our phone wasn’t even hooked up yet. I was given a headset phone for my birthday, however, which, the next day, was put to good use, using 10-10-220 to call my long distance friends.
I started school after Thanksgiving break, after my 13th birthday, and had no friends. I started making some, and we went on Christmas break. Great for retaining friends. Obviously. *sarcasm*
-oops life happened-
Later that night
Sorry for interruption- work does that, as does life.
Anyways after work we went to the grocery and then puttered around the apartment and now I’m working on the blog, so I shall now return to my point/story-
Back to when we moved to Texas
So we moved here, literally on my 13th birthday, and it was raining, and making friends was tricky, etc etc preteen angst. (Sometimes I wonder if at a deep level I let that arrival and initial sadness affect me, even now. Pathetic as it would be, at least I am semi self aware. Also feelings are valid so….moving on.)
So while I’ve left and come back to this city, since I’ve come back, most recently, my entire family moved. It makes one feel bummed I guess – but it isn’t all sadness.
During Hurricane Harvey I was glad my parents had moved back to TN, glad my sister (we weren’t even talking at the time) was in NY visiting family, I was counting my lucky stars that the only one in danger was me.
I even fibbed about where we lived so they wouldn’t worry until after the week long storm that shook Houston.
All of this is cause for celebration.
But my family is far away. And it makes you feel alone, which is made that much worse when your grandfather, who’s brain is really spotty at best at this point in his life, so you barely even recognize the man any damn way, is in the hospital, once more, and it is, once again, not looking good.
And these things only ever really go two ways, guys. He either gets better, continuing to live, ever declining in health, or he doesn’t.
Or he doesn’t.
And if he doesn’t? Well, then my grandpa, the man who was a dad when I didn’t have a dad, is gone, and that will be tough to handle too.
And I’ll be very far from family, at least 6-14 hours away from them.
Just like when grandma passed.
Billy had to call because mom couldn’t speak. I hit the floor, shocked to my core. Shock. And so far from family.
I don’t want my mom alone for that again because she has to be strong for everyone else, and then my sister tries, and she thinks she is tougher than she is, she’s actually quite sensitive- same as my mother, actually- something I’ll only observe and state out loud because neither of them read (much less even know I have) this blog. If they DID they would kill me for suggesting they aren’t as strong as they think, but, it wouldn’t change how right I am.
They are both sensitive and Billy, my adoptive father, bless his heart, isn’t always the greatest at that stuff.
And grandma is gone.
So, grandpa isn’t well, and that weighed on me all day.
My grandfather has hands down been the person who has not only encouraged my writing but demanded it of me. Demanded I “write it all down” and I follow his advice more and more every day.
As he drifts further and further away from me, from all of us.
From that little girl who didn’t think she could go to father daughter pancake breakfast, because her dad was a deadbeat, but Grandpa never once thought I wouldn’t go. He flipped pancakes. Every day, I get closer to the person he expected I could grow into. A writer. A creative artist who let her imagination run wild, and supported herself doing so. And every day he gets further from her.
So, it’s hard, day in, and day out, being far from my family.
But it’s also not like I’m planning on moving closer- all my moves would take me further from them.
I truly think it’s me “picking” a place, versus being brought to a place and then being left here, when the family moves away.
I’m not complaining, mind you, about being left here, I know my family needed to go, and I had a job, one I’ve been promoted from and am now doing very well at. It’s just…where things are now.
And this is a blog. Blogs are probably meant to be fairly honest, and I think plenty of you can tell something has been weighing on me, and it’s mostly that, stuff, all combined with some plot points in the universe I’m building.
Universe building can be tricky and tiring but I love it.
Just like my family.
Anyways, it’s late, big shock, Abbi isn’t going to make it to bed on time, but once again, big shock, I have no regrets, if I stay up late to work on the blog. Because it’s something I love.
And it gets me closer to that little girl I once was, and to the man my grandfather once was. It gets me closer to a time when my sister and I were absolutely the most powerful sibling force I knew, my grandmother was alive, my mom had her mom and dad, and closer to a future they all saw coming but I was too busy looking for ghosts, or hunting down Robin Hood, to ever think about.
But now I’m blogging it, and I get it. My grandparents knew this would all be a part of what is to come. Every weird thing I did as a kid, every world I made up in my head…
I’m closer to who I once was, because every day I am closer to who my family knew I would become.
I guess it’s just hard, to see so much die and change as so much great stuff happens.
To know it’s all the same struggle we all see.
So, my grandfather is in a quarantine because of the illness he has, I’m waiting to hear if he gets better, but I’m not waiting to write. I can’t. Not anymore.
Because grandma is gone and grandpa is fading fast, so I can’t stop writing. The last time I spoke to grandpa, in fact the last few times, he would be so insistent to say “Remember me, and write it all down, kiddo.”
Not just the stuff about him, but everything. My every day stuff, my thoughts, my dreams, my stories, and yes, even the stuff that makes me cry, like this.
My grandfather will never be forgotten, no matter how much he forgets as he declines, and I will make sure to write everything down, and to let my imagination run free.
But he will probably pass, and he isn’t doing well, so if you have positive vibes, send them to him, sure, but please send some to my Mother, who is going to kill herself with the stress, to my sister, who needs strength in general but mostly to love herself, to my dad, who needs some peace…they need the prayer/vibe/energy.
You read my words, that’s enough for me.
I hope we all have a beautiful Friday, I wanted to really try and bare my soul to you all. I mentioned this yesterday, so, let me know if you have thoughts on this. I’ve been working on the “dealing with death, part one” which deals with the loss of my grandma, but as you can tell, it is tricky. But if you HAVE enjoyed this kind of writing, good news, I suspect that blog will be ready to post soon.
Have a happy Friday and call the family you haven’t talked to in a while.
Despite all of this, I do think I managed to keep a positive attitude. But Thursday is a bit of a dick sometimes. So, yesterday’s goal is a success, but screw The Thursday Curse.