Daily Blog #30 “end to grief limbo, shifting creative goals, and defining success in goals.”

Friday night

My goal is to get a good nights sleep tonight and I have taken a lot of extra effort to do so.

Wish me luck.

Tuesday morning, before noon.

Well, I didn’t blog all weekend, focused on not being too sad or grinding on my sad emotions when grandpa was just staying in the same state of limbo of being “not there” but still living. Something he has told me many times he is terrified of happening when “his time comes”.

Photo by João Silas on Unsplash

Yesterday morning, around 6:30 AM or so, my Grandpa passed away.

I’ll be doing a full blog series, one I’ve been planning for a while now. My plan was to discuss death to help others who are dealing with it too. Part one would be Grandma, part two would be my friend Brian, and part three would be my Grandpa.

Now that grandpa has passed I am able to plan for them, so I don’t want to spend all of my time talking about the death and how I’m dealing with it. It’s sad, I’m sad, I’m trying to be productive. I will write about it soon. I hope it helps people when I do, because damn these deaths have taught me things.

I’m at work now, it’s nearly noon, and I am trying to make sure I stay productive and working.

Tuesday Afternoon

So I’m at work, kind of running out of patience to keep working, which sucks.

I have my vape pen, which I keep hitting, which has kept me from rage quitting. Bret had a subway gift card, and Ruth wanted subway, so we combined forces for food, and I am hoping after I eat I will be in a better mood. At the moment, I am quite boorish.

I ate some food from Subway. I don’t like Subway, as for me, it rarely is a tasty happy experience, and frankly, this time was no exception, but, I ate some, and, more importantly for my mood, I have coke and BBQ chips.

I just charged my vape pen, and I have a fresh cartridge even. Pretty dope. So, now I am listening to podcasts and getting some work done, so I can maybe get out of here early… I am having some trouble today, so, I think doing the best work I can and leaving as soon as possible, may be the best course of action for me.

This evening I would like to work out, but I may spend it writing instead, because I am trying to catch up on a bunch of writing and get more and more done.

One thing I can say is that my grandpa’s death makes me want to write more, as he always encouraged me to write, so now all I want to do is work on my universe and keep releasing my content, and work on the next stuff.

I could also be hiding from my own sadness, but regardless, I at least get some work done.


Nearly at the end of the day for today, at work anyways, and then I will head home to decide what to do for the evening.

Writing, smoking, maybe video games, probably. I should cook dinner too, but I bet I will try to sell something on Poshmark real quick to justify ordering Taco Bell.

I haven’t finished my cold brew yet, so if I chug this down (likely) I will be too buzzed to go to sleep, so maybe I will get everything done that I want.

Last week was all about time management and productivity, this week is trying to do that, balancing it with my own emotions, and also shift in priority.

The shift is more towards my creative goals. Poshmark is still a goal, as it helps pay for creative goals (and keeps me in Taco Bell) but I am trying to scale back any mental energy being wasted on things I don’t care about. Like, for example, not spending time at home angry about work.

Not spending time mindlessly scrolling through my feed looking at people who are ONLY posting negative stuff.

Leave work at work, hell, don’t let it bug you at work either. Unfollow negative assholes who are all talk no walk.

I don’t have more examples, it is a new idea.

Photo by Yuris Alhumaydy on Unsplash

I didn’t blog Sunday night for the Monday morning blog, I wanted to type it up Monday, fresh from a weekend of trying to rebound from grief limbo, and even some adventures in meal prep…but then literally first thing, my mom calls with news about grandpa.

So, I didn’t. Then I didn’t write one last night, similar reason. The weekend was fun, all things considered. Bret and I got to hang out together. We did some shopping. I tried out some meal prep recipes to try and get us on a meal prep schedule to claim back more time each week, and maybe even save money.

Got some cleaning done, got some gaming done, did some writing.

Blah. blah, blah…

Random tangent time?

So as I was getting ready to leave, Bret got stuck in a conversation with our boss, so I am working on some stuff while listening to a YouTuber I recently found.

I hate when you find a YouTuber or any content creator and you realize you two would probably would be best friends, but like, what are you gonna do? You aren’t gonna DM them because YOU know how YOU would react if someone did that to you.

Run your race. I have seen content creators who thought they would be best friends, and later they became best friends. (Remi Cruz and Alisha Marie, from what I understand, Remi thought they would become best friends before they ever met, and now they are best friends.)

This goes to a conversation I have been talking about. Building your virtual tribe.

Also, your vibe attracts your tribe.

I am looking for my digital tribe, I’ve mentioned tribe goals before, but the digital tribe desire is largely because with a digital world, and being a content creator, my tribe of friends and coworkers, is going to be online. More so as my creative goals shift and accelerate.

Poshmark has actually shown me that, and helped me grow my understanding of digital tribe having. I am lucky enough to call a few real top quality ladies my “PFF’s” or Posh Friends Forever, and from that idea, of supporting each other, showing love, hyping each other up, sharing closets, supporting each others content- whatever it is that we can to support each other.

I want that, and I want my vibe to atttact it, so I am doing my best to be positive, to be true to myself, and to be the kind of friend I want to be. We all struggle at times, but I think that between real like friends and online friends, you can grow your own personal network of people you can call friends.

But, sometimes this makes you be a doormat, which is when consuming content and learning from other people who made similar door mat type mistakes, comes in to save the day.

Photo by Cosmic Timetraveler on Unsplash

It’s all about maintaining your own personal garden, which is a whole additional blog so I will wrap this rant up here.

Today I am trying to get myself back on track from everything- knowing that in two weeks I have to travel, I want to make sure I am amply prepared.

This, for me, includes not only securing a car for the trip, but making sure work is sorted for the time off. I also want to have my blog schedule not suffer from a week on the road and out of state. In addition to all of this, since Bret and I need to use the one week of vacation time our company gives us to stay afloat and not go totally broke on this unexpected trip, we are TRYING to squeeze in a small vacation type trip, even just at a nice cabin or even Airbnb somewhere between here and my mom’s house.

Preferably owned by hippies who not only are totally okay with our scared of everything, especially other dogs, dog, and maybe is also okay with the smell of cannabis. A tall order. Sigh.

Photo by Sandra Seitamaa on Unsplash

So, I have a fair amount of stuff to get through, as well as some content I want to get up, some blogs, some Instagram posts I’ve been wanting to put up, and even a LinkedIn post I’ve been sitting on related to this blog post.

Add laundry, cleaning the apartment, my job, packing, and the blog to that, and I’m already overwhelmed. I know my mother is too, so I have background radiation stress of knowing she kind of needs some help too.

All in all, a stressful time and I’m plenty busy, but I’m working on my plan of attack. I’ve gotten a good amount done today, including prepping some Instagram posts, brainstorming some blogs I can consider prewriting and scheduling for days I’m on the road and posting a proper blog may be hard.

Tomorrow I am hoping to be doing better with my grief, but if that isn’t possible then my goal is to at least do better. Which is all any goal really should be anyways- doing better.


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