Daily Blog #37 “shitty things I can’t discuss, some things I can, & an intro to the death blog series”

I hate that the world is awful. I hate that awful people get to make awful choices that make awful things happen. Tomorrow’s blog is scheduled and is a short story. More tomorrow.

Saturday

Well when I say tomorrow, I mean Saturday. It is now Saturday morning and I am working on the blog. Went for a walk, grabbed a cold coffee and a strawberry lemonade and now I am sitting outside enjoying the view.

Mind you our view is shit. But, if you are a people watching writer, you may just enjoy the view.

As you may have surmised from my start of this blog, written literally as I was taking off my glasses and laying in bed. (To be exact, I put in lip balm, lotion and face spray (all lavender) before bed, I take off my glasses and put on my sleep mask- my sleep mask was pushed up onto my head, lotion on hands, was IN BED)

But as you may have surmised from it, there are some things happening in my life that I am very much not okay with, and I also really am not allowed to talk about it. That, in and of itself, is annoying.

Photo by Linnea Sandbakk on Unsplash

Some of my closer friends know about it, but ironically I haven’t told Amber, mostly because she is like me in some key ways and I don’t want her to know the thing that makes my heart so heavy. She has her sister Bria’s baby shower this weekend plus like four shows in the snow she is doing- I don’t want to tell her this stuff that makes me so sad. My coworker friend, Ryan, knows, as does Bret. Didn’t tell Robin for the same reason I didn’t tell Amber.

Sometimes we try to protect our friends by not turning to them for help.

My mom knows. She helped talk me through it when I first heard about it. I’m still mad.

On top of that I have some other things in my life that are driving me nuts, but I don’t like to dwell, SO I am instead people watching and enjoying a nice drink.

This world is crazy. You never know what view may be your last, or what your last moments with someone may be.

We have all heard the expression, or the head thought rather, one day you and your childhood friends went outside to play and it was the last time any of you would, and you didn’t even realize it.

Meme type graphics have been made. Pictures of known hang out spots for kids and teens, with the text “one day you went here with your friends and none of you knew that would be the last time you would all be there together”.

Well, I’ve lost three people close to me since November, Grandma, Brian, and Grandpa. And sadly, I know what my last moments were with each of them.

With my grandpa, I suspected it may be the last time. It was for grandmas funeral. He said he would last long enough for Bret and I to get married but, I think all three of us knew that was a lie.

I talked to him, and I think he knew it was the last time, on the phone, and I think deep down I did too- but my grandpa was always super good about telling me one last big message before hanging up- always has been.

“I love you, girl. Remember me. Write it all down. Don’t stop writing. Remember me. I love you, kidedel”

Kidedel- like Kid, with a de dal sound at the end.

So I haven’t stopped writing and we all know I haven’t forgotten him.

Grandma, was a shock. I’m so glad my sister called me on her phone to get me through to grandma. The hospital phone kept ringing and grandma could never hear/find it, despite her getting stronger every day. My sister, with all our issues, called me on her phone so I could talk to grandma. It was for Thanksgiving, and grandma wanted me to know she hadn’t forgotten my birthday, but her mobile phone also didn’t get signal.

She wanted me to know she hadn’t forgotten me. This is a cool thing Bc so many people do.

But grandma was moving to Tennessee to be with my mom who would take amazing care of her and help her life get longer. They drove up to my mom’s house from Texarkana and had an amazing trip. Grandma ate a ton of food, her appetite restored. The stress she had been under gone, her vitals were good.

I texted to see if I could call, grandmas first night there. Was told to call tomorrow- she had already laid down, and we all know grandma is half out of it after she takes her pills and putters off to bed.

The next morning my dad called and said grandma passed in her sleep.

Photo by Chad Tetzlaff on Unsplash

Quite a difference from knowing for four days Grandpa was going to go and then getting a call.

Brian, was also shocking. Brian was like both deaths in one, shocking as grandma, but also he had been sick, like grandpa. Him being my age, of course made it more shocking.

I couldn’t even tell you the last time I saw him, as we tended to see each other often- he was a friend of the family and we had been friends for ages. He came over for Friendsgiving, then I think we had another party, and then I got mad at Brian because he wanted to move to Missouri and I was finally starting to get my life back together- I wanted Brian there for it. I was selfish; it I THINK I kept my anger to myself for the most part. I kept it much more like a Jewish mother.

“You sure that’s a good idea”

“Rent is cheaper”

“But your under the table paying job s here”

“I’ll work for Uber”

“You don’t have a car”

“I’ll buy one”

“Okay…well you know what your doing…I love you.”

“I do, I love you too.”

I’m still mad at him for leaving. If he hadn’t left maybe he wouldn’t have been unconscious on his apartment floor for three days before someone found him, far too late for any medicine to help treat the pneumonia in his lungs that made him collapse.

Anger is just part of it though. It’s all a cycle. I’ve been contemplating doing a three part series on dealing with death that would cover the phases of grief in these three very different types of deaths and goodbyes, but I think having this intro was needed.

You never know what the last time will be.

My best friend Audrey, from when I was a kid. I never knew the last time we would play, and that bums me out. I still haven’t found a friend like her, with an imagination like me.

You never know when the last time you will see someone, talk to someone, will be, so be like my grandpa and tell them stuff. Don’t let it be unsaid.

Enjoy the view, too.

Photo by John Arano on Unsplash

The cars are all driving by, all speeding down the road. There isn’t a speed limit sign but this road isn’t meant for these speeds. That’s Houston for you. The cop that will station himself outside never stops the speeders either. No, he stops the big trucks that drive down the road at reasonable speeds and checks their papers.

I fucking can’t stand the police in this town who are so shitty. Like we have SEVERAL people who all walk, scooter, or bike, to work, this IS a residential area, but all they do is stop the big trucks and check papers.

We’ve had people swerve to HIT US as pedestrians. We’ve had cars speeding down. We can’t cross the street half the time, because the traffic refuses to slow down- they race down this road at crazy speeds, normally while not even looking where they are going. This street is apparently the “speed down the road while looking only at your cellphone” street. And I’ve desperatly tried to cross the road, but had to wait for literally ten minutes, while cars SPEED by, blowing through stop signs sometimes, and a stupid cop sits there in his car typing on HIS phone. He’s just as bad as the fucking reckless drivers.

BUT brief tangent aside, if you are not trying to walk, but are instead just sitting and watching it can be interesting to watch these people zoom by on their day to day lives carrying on like they do. I do hope they all arrive safely, and as much as I don’t like cops, I wish they would do their jobs because people get hurt.

Someday someone is going to die, and I’ve seen kids out here.

Still, it’s nice to watch the world go by. It’s nicer still to see cars that drive responsibly and I love when we get to see groups of bikes, pedestrians, people out and about enjoying their day.

But I need to be productive, clean the apartment and do laundry, so I’m going to get to that.

Late Saturday night

Well, I did a little productive stuff but not enough. Had some other things to deal with and then Bret and I hung out for a while, played some video games and watched some movies. Now I’m mentally going over all the stuff I need to do tomorrow and trying to figure out how to do it all.

I want to make sure the apartment is nice and clean and that we have clothes clean. I also need to wash my hair, get the blog up, do my skin care Sunday routine, prep the bullet journal for the week, prep my cold brew, and figure out what we are eating this week.

Photo by Dino Reichmuth on Unsplash

Additionally we are supposed to be leaving for Tennessee this week to go to see my family for my grandfather’s memorial service, and I have no idea how we are gonna go. We desperately need help with the trip, if we are being honest, but we likely won’t get any. We have to rent a car, get gas, drive there, rent a hotel room in town, and then drive back, broke. Very not fun.

But that’s travel. No way around it I suppose so, that’s where I am at.

Anyways, tomorrow looks to be a busy day of prepping for the week, but my goal is to condense it so I can still enjoy my Sunday.

And that’s my Saturday night update.

Sunday night

Well I spent the day getting sorted for the week. I’m actually running late and don’t have much time to edit or schedule so I’m going to attack that in the morning.

Till tomorrow!

Tomorrow!

Well, it is tomorrow, and I have actually already started the next blog, so I am going to toss some pictures on this one, and finish up the edits!

Hope you have a fantastic Monday, and make sure to tune in this week, where I will be documenting the preparations for the trip. Make sure we are connected on social media, where I will surely document the entire trip.

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