Daily Blog #75 “Where my head was this weekend/why I didn’t blog, wanting to smoke at work, attempting to problem solve issues that are problematic.”

Monday Afternoon

Greetings and salutations!

Greetings and Salutations, Blog!

I may add this to my usual greetings for the blog and vlog, to encourage it coming back into the common nomenclature.

Monday Afternoon

It is a shockingly lovely day here in Houston, with a sunny shining sun (ugh!) and a nice cool breeze (woo!), and I am at work, catching up from two days away from the office.

I am pretty annoyed, still, about having to miss my friends wedding on Saturday, but as I type this, I realize I didn’t get to tell the blog what had happened, so let’s get into that.

So last week a coworker got a super awesome job offer elsewhere, and I am SO VERY HAPPY for him. No, really, I am. He gets a HUGE raise, and, almost more importantly, gets to do the work he wants to do, he gets to do the work he is wanting to do.

He even gets the option of going salary after he proves himself at this job.

I am VERY HAPPY he gets to leave this job. I wish that for all of us.

I am NOT okay with his new boss wanting him to work Saturday, and the coworker deciding to call in for Saturday morning, Friday night.

No, I am livid about that and here is why.

Because it isn’t just t he possible lying. I’m willing to concede he could SOMEHOW have legitimately been sick and it all just looks sketchy however, keep reading.

This coworker has texted me in the past, this late at night, asking me to correct his time sheet. This coworker has also been told about the wedding I am looking forward to.

It is at a private home, and is going to be set up similar to how I would like our wedding (Bret and myself) done. This friend has had many relationship troubles, I have been there for the past 7-10 years of them.

This coworker has the audacity to not only leave work early on Friday, leaving my awesome coworker Katie to handle the store alone, no, he ALSO texts her, late that night to call in, not the manager, and ALSO has the gall to ask her to text me….Even though he has texted me this late before.

He claimed, he was sick, had been throwing up.

But we also know his new boss really wanted him to come into work.

So, this white privileged little fuck decided that starting his job early was more important than me attending a friends wedding, and was too much of a chicken shit coward to even communicate it to me.

Ask me if he has said a SINGLE WORD to me today.

I am SO FUCKING MAD. The audacity of him to not care about other people, to be so selfish, and ALSO a giant fucking coward. This last part makes me the most mad.

I can’t stand fucking gutless cowards.

So, I missed Beth’s wedding, which I planned on photographing extensively, vlogging, and blogging, the entire experience, as the start of my own wedding planning series.

But I guess Mr. White Privilege decided his own BS was more important.

I fucking can’t stand cowards, did I mention?

Bret was EXHAUSTED from his work in Austin, so our date night was also trashed.

So, no, I have not seen Zombieland 2, despite being eager for the next Zombieland AS I LEFT THE THEATER for the first one, I have not seen it. Ugh.

But the apartment looks great. I wish only that we could spend more time there. It’s not perfect but I’m working on making it pretty great.

I am seriously tired of this place (our day jobs) creeping into our day to day lives, and now I have a list of things this place has affected.

And my boss doesn’t seem to even care that we have these problems. It’s not just this. I don’t want to put things on blast but no matter how bad and stressful things get, he doesn’t seem to care to fix it.

We need to fix it.

Part of me wants to say “okay well, you don’t care, so I don’t care” and just leave, but the other part of me actually has a work ethic and doesn’t believe in fucking other people over, unlike my asshole coworker who still can’t even be bothered to apologize for being a coward and ALSO ruining my weekend.

Bret’s birthday is next weekend, and it looks like we will be having a very turned down day, likely having to cover another shift at the store, it is busy as hell with Halloween approaching. (Small brag, most special F-X, makeup, and costume shops in the city have closed down so we are one of the few places, and definitely one of the best quality places, for the season. But it does mean we are BUSY AS FUCK right now.)

So, Halloween season combined with Bret having a very important meeting on Monday we have to prepare for all day Sunday, Bret’s birthday is also looking pretty shitty.

All of this got me pretty depressed this weekend, and I didn’t want that on the blog. Sad wallowing isn’t good reading.

Which brings us to Monday. I accidentally slept in, probably in part because I have started to dread going into work, and every time I go into work I seem to be breaking out into stress hives all over my chest.

But, I managed to get up, get ready, and come on into work, and begin playing catch up.

Over 130 emails. All checked and sorted. I am nearly done catching up from my time away and the day is over half over.

I would really like to play some video games tonight, but I also have writing I need to do, and vlog edits to do…

But it was also a hard weekend so may not be responsible tonight. I hate stress, it makes me not be my best self, and my body processes stress in a far too physical way.

I have always had this problem, hell I had to leave one of my absotely favorite jobs to date, because of stress. That led to me not working reliably for YEARS, until finally I found out how useful cannabis could treat my issues. Fast forward to now, and I do still smoke weed and it does help, but I don’t think my progressive non drug testing boss would be as chill if I left a loaded bong on my desk.

I am experimenting with an E-dabber, but that is only good for so long, when you have access to wax. Yet another drawback of our state not really legalizing even medical marijuana use, despite us having a HUGE PTSD population and cannabis being one of the best cures to PTSD.

Annoying.

Despite being able to have decent access to cannabis, I don’t have reliable access to the concentrates, which make medical dosing a lot easier.

Edibles, to me, are more for body aches, so they don’t help me during the day.

Anyways, that is the brief summation of how much I want to use cannabis at work to control the massive amount of stress I am under at work.

Well, we are wrapping up the day. I have finally caught up from my two days off, a testament to my ability to just put myself to the task and get the work done.

That being said, it has been a very challeneging day.

I need to find a healthy way of dealing with the stress, but traditional things, like yoga or breathing exercises don’t always work well, not for in the moment.

Womp there it is

I also know that my personality (Hello Enneagram 5w6 rearing it’s little head) that i don’t like just putting band-aids onto problems.

If I am stressed, breathing isn’t going to solve the root cause of the stress. Only changing the situation will.

I am a problem solver, which means when I see a problem without a viable solution, it makes me even more stressed and annoyed, which makes breathing tricks even less likely to actually fucking help.

So here I am, trying to find a solution to the problem. I know I can’t just up and quit my job, to do so would put Bret in the position to be the solo bread earner, and even though I did fulfill that duty for the two of us for a long while, it wasn’t easy and the stress was hard, why on earth would i want that for my partner?

A new job would lead to me going back on my promise to have this be my last job before working from home.

A new job in addition to money coming in that equals to what i make now, i could maybe be okay with. I really loved working for the book store and the benefits were primo, so i wouldn’t mind the pay cut (HUGE) if i had benefits and also had money coming in to equal the cost difference in changing jobs.

But that would be at least a grand or more I would need this blog and my other assorted content, to bring in, which is absolutely isn’t. I don’t charge for blog access as i believe reading should be accessible and it is already a hurtle for some to have internet. I don’t want to prevent people who like to read from reading my stuff.

The answer, it would seem, is in selling merchandise, so people can enjoy the writing, and also support the creator. (Also maybe a tip jar on my main page, or donation option? If you have any ideas, slide into my DM’s with it.)

Merchandise takes a start up capital that is NOT small, and also requires me to keep this job, for said cost. For at least a little while.

Saving for merchandise, is an even bigger hurtle than buying the camera I want to buy.

And would also take a thousand or more dollars away from wedding planning.

So either way I need to increase my funds. We also need other things, like a proper damn bed to get a good nights rest.

Eating at home is helping, and we are both improving our spending habits. I did splurge last week and bought some cleaning supplies, things like microfiber cloths so we use less paper towels, and essential oils, so we can make some of our own cleansers and not destroy our health with chemicals. The natural cleansers I love, I also purchased, but they are expensive, so I like to use them as sparingly as possible.

Having more time to work on my art, research more ways to monetize while still retaining the integrity of my soul, is how I justify said purchases. Also having a cleaner place that I am happier in, to unwind from the stress if work, I think is worth it. As any frequent reader of the blog knows, I am always trying to find better ways to keep this place clean.

Bret’s birthday is this upcoming weekend and I would like to have a small something for him, even though he keeps claiming to be canceling his birthday, I love him and want him to feel special, so even though we have a lot to worry about this weekend, I am hoping to have a nice fun, albeit no spend, weekend for his birthday.

I would like to be able to order some merchandise samples and my camera, before the year is out, so saving money is key.

I have mentioned on the vlog, and I think that footage made it to my final cut, that we are thinking of pulling away from Poshmark. I may have also mentioned it on the blog, but I know I haven’t done a blog about why.

I don’t want to go into the reasons until I am sure, and we do, but we are for sure trying to expand into relovv, and also sell off everything we have by way of inventory, and go back to only selling our old and gently used items.

I like reselling, but I don’t have the time to make it profitable enough to help fund our art, which was our original hope for Poshmark.

Now I am hoping to sell off our purchased and donated inventory, as well as our personal items we no longer have use for but are still in great shape.

If I am able to reorganize our bedroom a bit, we may also be able to purchase an AC for that room and a new bed, and stop having to literally set up our bed every single night and then put it back away, which takes extra time from our days too.

It also isn’t a great way to sleep. our couch pulls into a nice bed…but after a year of sleeping on it, both of our 30+ year old backs are in need of a proper bed with a pillow top. Amazon has some competitive prices so…That may also be a viable goal by the end of the year, if we work our asses off and don’t have any bad purchases. Or fucked up but essential money black holes, like the funerals that have plagued us all year.

Anyways, it is now past quitting time for me, so i will leave this for my evening update.

Till then.

Later

Well, it’s evening time, and I desperately need to get this blog up and posted. I’m in need of a good nights sleep, and I should prioritize that above everything, which means wrapping this blog up.

I made Bret and I dinner, did all the dishes, tidied up the apartment, smudged it good because the activity in the apartment as we approach Halloween has increased to say the least.

Now it’s nearly eleven and I should edit this and post it up. Tomorrow I’ll try to talk about my changes to the apartment and my plans moving forward.

I hope you have a fantastic Tuesday!

Abbi

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