I started this blog yesterday to get it started, but frankly, I wasn’t able to really do what I wanted. I got lost in my sadness and depression, and frankly wasn’t in a good place to do anything, much less blog.
But now it is a new day, and while the things that got me down are still there, and are even joined by new things, I am feeling better, so my reaction and handling of the problems is better. Overall, I am in a much better place, mentally, and I think I can better handle anything that comes my way today…Goodness knows I have already handled more than a few stupid issues.
But my goal is to be more positive today than yesterday and have a better day, so instead of even thinking about the bad stuff, I will focus on the good.
Good like the fact that I am seriously lucky and have some really great coworkers who, in their own, individual ways, have really helped me bounce back from a nasty bought of depression yesterday.
(You know the kind…where you wake up with it but you keep trying and the emotions get worse and worse and worse and then all you can do is lay there. If you don’t know the kind, I am very happy you don’t, because it sucks. If you do…Well, I am very sorry…because you do know.)
So: Yesterday Jim grabbed some cheap pastries, including a box of snowballs, which I love, and a box of raspberry Twinkies, which I now love after trying them. Jim also offered to drive us to places over the holiday break, because Bret can’t drive feeling like this.
One of our new people from purchasing the costume shop, Janette (I hope she is okay with me using her name…I don’t think that side knows I blog. But anyways, I am saying nice things so…) Janette brought in FRESH donuts this morning, perfect as I didn’t have anything for breakfast. Bret is slowly on the mend, and all my wonderful coworkers actually took the time to research why Labryinthitis is such a shitty thing, which makes both Bret and myself feel appreciated, like we do actually have this little family of people…
Because like, we are around these people for 40 hours a week, minimum. I see these people more than anyone else, other than Bret, who I live with.
Then, this morning, I get in, and Katie has a holiday present for me! Shocking, frankly, because shes a mom with kids to shop for so like…I was shocked to even be thought of…And WOW did Katie crush it. If you read this blog at all, you KNOW I love hemp based skin care, and you know I love the Hemp Cell Dtox mask from Andalou- Katie got me this awesome little gift box set with all their products, including some toner which I am also out of at home.
I know it sounds like food and presents make me happy ( and okay, yeah they do) but really it was being thought of.
It was Jim getting something he knew I liked, it was Janette caring about the entire team (adding a new staff to the current staff is always tricky so I appreciate her as the leader of their little team to make that move to show us as one team), it’s Katie knowing I love not only skin care, but vegan, cruelty free, hemp and plant based skin care, and picking me up something I needed but ALSO wanted. (Which to me is the perfect ven diagram of gift giving, needed AND wanted.)
I was already feeling a bit better from yesterday, but my amazing coworkers really helped, and they also helped remind me that we are kind of a weird family here, and as hard and stressful as this job gets…We are all kind of cool, and we are a family.
Because family doesn’t pick itself and it largely involuntary…which also kind of feels like this place sometimes.
I am very lucky to have the coworkers I have, and even though our boss is a pain in our ass, he has done a very decent job making a nice team that can be a family.
So, that has me feeling very grateful and happy for my coworkers, because damn we spend a bunch of time together.
Anyways, back to the depression:
I always hesitate to talk about mental issues because frankly, I don’t owe anyone my story or issues, and no one is entitled to it, but also, I know some people may benefit from knowing others suffer. I am trying to be more honest and open with the blog, and the few times i have opened up, nothing terrible has happened (Yet), so all in all, it isn’t, so far, a bad thing to be open and frank with you guys, but I also don’t want to spread my sadness around.
Just know that I suffer from a range of mental illness, including depression, anxiety, and PTSD, all of which have been diagnosed by SEVERAL medical professionals. I treat ALL of these with cannabis, and I do very well. yesterday, I didn’t smoke much, either and that played a HUGE part in my instability mentally, and also, once I did finally smoke and eat something, at like 11:30 at night, it helped me get on the other side of that spell.
These waves of depression come and go with anyone, and for me, I am generally VERY lucky to have some great methods of dealing with the sadness and moving through it, but sometimes, I don’t.
And that’s okay.
And if you have those problems, that’s okay too.
Reach out, or don’t. For me, I don’t like to reach out much, if at all. It makes it harder for me to bounce back, and i feel weak.
But I know I would reach out to one or two people, if I really needed it. I am at that place with my issues, I know when I need help, and will seek it out. Yesterday, I felt like I didn’t have anyone to reach out to, not really, but I am better now. Resources were available to me, but I didn’t need them, nor did I really want them. I don’t like to, because to me, it would require “explaining” things or whatever.
I would rather get lost in my head, and find my own way back, whenever possible, which, thankfully, it normally is. This was no exception, and I am on the other side of it. Things still are bugging me and bumming me out, but I am doubling down on my efforts, understanding that I also have to do some work to keep myself healthy, mentally, so I am doubling down on some of my habits that keep me mentally healthy, and I encourage you all to do the same.
Sometimes, with the holidays, with the company, the blog/vlogmas, with the extra cooking, extra shopping, extra money issues, all that crap that goes into this season…All the stuff that can bring you down…it can all lead to you shorting yourself on things you need, the self care and mental work you need to do to keep yourself happy and healthy.
I am as bad, if not more so, than most, when it comes to this stuff, but please, just take care of yourself first.
Tell the company you need some alone time, tell your partner to do the dishes, or just leave them in the sink (Like I did last night because we didn’t eat until midnight), take a long bath, do a work out, journal, meditate, smoke a bowl, take your meds, accept that the holidays aren’t all about presents…whatever it is that you need to do- do it! Take care of yourself first.
So, with that, I am going to go make some artwork for this blog and get it posted.
Happy Blogmas Day Seventeen!!!