Greetings and salutations my dearest blog readers today is Sunday and here I am, watching Zomboat! and getting down to work for the day. I have a fairly sizable list of crap to get done today, most of which revolve around getting ready for the week, and I should also probably go down to the office, but I have so much to do around here, and on the blog and in my writing, that I don’t know if I have time to do so or not.
I haven’t been writing much this weekend, I have had a lot to think over and consider, but I have been working through a few things and I do feel ready to slowly dive back into it. I did some cleaning already this weekend, so really I only have about a half hour or so of puttering, and then laundry, then I should be sorted for the week, cleaning wise, minus daily stuff like dishes and litter box.
Tomorrow is Monday, and while the day after super bowl is one of the most called in days in the work year, I don’t care about sports, nor do I have the option to call in tomorrow, as payroll is due and I have a massive to do list for tomorrow. I am considering getting to work around 8 tomorrow, hell, earlier if I could manage, to get everything done and start the week ahead of any drama that the week may try and throw at me.
With all that said I will say that I have a lot to get done, but not much to blog about, just yet. I do have a list of things to blog about, and no this isn’t one of those needy “comment what I should write about” posts, merely a “I have things I plan on writing, but I haven’t gotten to them yet because real life and creative writing are getting in the way, but don’t worry, I am gettin my shit together, to bring it all to you soon”.
So, I am going to go get some stuff done, and come back here, and blog some stuff for you all, or something.
Back. As it turns out, I really don’t have much motivation right now. Also, I accidentally sliced my thumb while REACHING for scissors that normally struggle to cut open a plastic bag.
I have been in a bit of a funk, mostly failure to rebound from some annoying things in the real world, also also a bit of annoyance that I can’t shake. When I get annoyed, in a big way, I tend to struggle getting back on track, and this has been not different.
The next few months are going to be very make or break for me, and I am struggling, a bit, because I simply feel I don’t have any support or help in those coming months, which is fine, because people don’t OWE me their help or support, but those same people don’t just depend on and expect my help, but they actually get my help, get my supper, in fact, my help and support is a part of their every day life…And it isn’t a two way street. It leaves me drained, too, taking long weekends of laziness to recover when I need to take care of my own stuff.
I don’t know how to fix some of that stuff, because frankly, those people have been told before, and many times, hey, I really need this to be a two way street, and they tend to brush me off with a “yeah I know but…” or a “sure yeah I’ll get better… right after….” but they never do. Again, I know they don’t owe me anything, but I ALSO don’t owe THEM anything, and more and more, it feels like I am expected to do what many are unwilling to do for me.
It isn’t right. I should be able to do my thing and not have anyone in the way, or anyone needing help, or even anyone any where near me, if they can’t be bothered to HELP while they are taking up resources.
I would always much rather be alone to do my own thing. I prefer being alone 100% of the time, unless I invite people I care about into the situation. If you haven’t been invited, and you are simply here, needing something, then you should probably try to offer help back. I simply can’t keep having intruders into my peace, needing favors, support, etc, while never once offering to help…hell, doing the thing when asked to do it, even.
Like, if someone who struggles to ask for help, asks you for help, (more so if they help you all the time) fucking do it. Hell, I would argue do it even if it puts you out, because that person probably puts themselves out all the time and never lets you know how much of a bind you put them in.
I won’t go into details, because I don’t want to give those kind of people that much mental attention, but, I think moving forward, I have to become very selfish…the kind of selfish my mom says I am by not wanting to have kids.
I need to only worry about what I am going eat, not Bret. I need to worry about me getting up on time, getting to work at a certain time, putting my stuff above others…and not going the extra mile at work either.
Nothing against the place, but they already get a lot out of me, for not a lot of money. I can’t volunteer to help out, and I need to actively avoid doing things that get dumped on me, because when I try t help others I never get any help back, and my own work ALSO suffers, from me dedicating time to other tasks.
No, for the next few months, I need to get selfish, but I also need to ditch my ego.
I have been thinking, in the background, about the nature of meditation and what kind of meditation I would likely best benefit from.
I have been making a list of what kind of self improvement I want to make, not the basic surface stuff like drop weight or tone my body, crap like that, but deeper stuff, like addressing what makes me tick, what makes me sad, what my ego gets in the way of, etc.
I know my ego is much of my problem, because everyone’s ego is part of everyone’s problem. My ability to at least see it, and admit this, in myself, tells me that perhaps I may be at a place of mental maturity that allows me to confront my short comings and not only stare at them, be aware of them instead of ignoring them, but actually recognize them in action, take active steps to stop it, while also changing my way of thinking to allow for a true change in my mindset.
You can say “I will think more positively” all you want, but unless you know why you are so negative, why those feelings come and where they come from, can you address why you are negative. Then, once you know your own why, you can see how much you do it, and realize that It isn’t just the times you say wicked mean things, I starts with all your thoughts, and you can become aware of things like micro aggression’s. This kind of work is hard, tedious, laborious even, but, the times I have worked on this kind of stuff, it has always been rewarding.
This is, however, tough stuff, and ego is a tricky thing to deal with. So, with that, I feel I am finally able to truly dig into meditation, because that kind of self work is best achieved through that, when mentally you are mature enough to admit that no matter how clever or smart you though you have been…maybe you haven’t been.
That kind of rough work where you look at yourself and really dig into what you like and hate about yourself, where it comes from, how it manifests in small and large ways, and discover how to truly destroy it, to become the person YOU are meant to be.
That, in addition to doing hard work like self publishing a fairly massive little word, plus my daily blog, plus all the “change the way you think about___” ideas that go into both of those…I have a lot to do every day, not to mention the behind the scenes stuff that is boring that goes it it, like formatting, editing, and staring at the same two similar kinds of fonts and deciding which will best help you represent you….I don’t have time for my own ego, much less other people and their ego driven needs and demands on my precious little time.
So, moving forward I am giving into myself, and putting myself and my goals first, ironically, to help remove my own ego.
I don’t know if it is selfish, to do something like that, but even if it is, fuck it, time to be selfish.
Because I don’t think it is, actually, that selfish.
I think it is smart, and will make me better suited to help others, and be my best self, which will let me help people in the best capacity.
Additionally, I want to supporting myself in some capacity with my writing in a year or so, and have much work to do to achieve any of that.
So, Bret and I are looking at ways to make our evenings more streamlined, including finishing the bedroom and having more quick frozen-oven type meals.
If you have healthy (and cheap) suggestions for that kind of diet, that preferably can be cooked on a lined baking sheet, to minimize dishes, PLEASE let me know.
Speaking of finishing the room off, we took nine bags and one box of clothing to the donation spot, and now we have that much more space. I need to do a couple loads of back laundry and find a spot for some things I am keeping. I have a container for clothing I am keeping storage that I have been adding things to, and I am working on reorganizing my crafting supplies as well, so I can have those put away in a cleaner, more organized fashion, instead of the mad woman crafter explosion in micro sections that we currently have, mixed in with all of Bret’s retail therapy and shoe collection accouterments.
I would also like to have a spot to have my work out bike, and maybe some other small work out bits, like resistance bands and light weights, small cubes for yoga, small stuff, so working out is more encouraged, because it’s all right there. I wear pretty casual clothing as soon as I get home normally, so having stuff out will make it that much easier to do a little bit of cardio or do five minutes of resistance training, anything that makes me more mindful of how much I need to work out.
Part of my analysis on myself, getting myself ready to really, actually, change my bad habits, I have been looking at my hatred of working out and my hatred of eating healthy. I haven’t fully mapped out all of it yet, but I do know some of it. For example, I hate small portions. I have always had a massive appetite, my entire damn life, and eating a tiny salad or a small bowl of fruit has never been enough proper food to fuel me for a second.
But, I also can’t throw down on a huge giant country breakfast, followed by a big TexMex lunch and wash it down with a huge Italian meal, either…apparently.
But I would if I could.
But I can find a healthy way of eating that lets me eat large portions or amounts of healthy vegetables and fruits that let me feel full in a healthy way.
I can drink more fluids, I can eat healthier foods higher in healthy vitamins, and also use mindfulness to know when I am truly full, and have the energy needed to proceed healthily.
I need to work out and burn the foods I do eat, and realize that my body is probably meant to be a bit more active, and that is probably why it always wants food, or, that my body is missing something, so I should try and eat cleaner to discover what that thing is.
You see, I have been using mindfulness, the bit I do have, from the self work I have done, to know that I do large feel better, health wise, and weight wise, when I don’t each much meat, or only eat seafood. This problem doesn’t extend to dairy, as much, but I have noticed that ice cream at night, a favorite past time of mine, does leave me not only looking bloated, but FEELING bloated the next day.
Much of my mindfulness exercises have been not only listening to when my body is catching some virus, something I have had to develop by having a shitty immune system, but to better know what my body truly needs.
Because while I am hella anemic, and need tons of iron, all the time, but, guess what? Rarely do I feel AWESOME after eating beef, even a delicious steak. Sure, the no hormone added, not tortured, treated well beef, does sit better on my stomach, its hard to eat it very often, and the times I have been able to actually enjoy steak has always been not only a “good” (no hormone, no torture, open field) beef, but I haven’t eaten it in a while.
I don’t think I am meant to have red meat as much as my mother, who was always trying to make sure her daughter didn’t go pale and pass out, thought I did.
I need more spinach. I should put some in the ramen I always eat but I tend to always forget.
But I also don’t love eating spinach all the time, so, yeah, I need to think about smoothies.
But I think smoothies won’t fill me up. Even though I have experienced them filling me up just fine, when paired with light snacks like rice cakes and nuts.
So…Maybe Abbi needs to get over her ego about always wanting a good bagel and two eggs for a “proper” breakfast, and reach for a smoothie. I could, in theory, prep much of my smoothie on a Sunday, for the week, I actually have several smoothie hacks, so, I could reinvest in a new blunder ( I think we had to toss ours I believe it broke), and prep smoothies on Sunday, for the week, and make smoothies for breakfast. This would get me a ton more vitamins, and have me start on a healthier foot for the day.
Then, for lunch, I need something easy to eat and comforting. Snacks work well, but sometimes I want a big ole bowl of something. Maybe this is a good time for salads for me.
For dinner, I love doing ramen, obviously, but maybe some frozen option, some frozen lasagna or something like that, some asian bowl of something frozen, would be a better option for me. I need to do some research.
As I mentioned…I haven’t been writing, but I have been working on me and trying to find ways to be healthier and happier while also achieving a ton in the coming months.
Because the thing I am doing, trying to make a living from the stuff that comes from my brain, means I have a ton of work to do, and I need to be in good health to attack in. Mental and Physical health are tied together, and I would be a fool to not try to have both in pristine condition when trying to do something as tricky as I am with my writing.
Plus, hey, who doesn’t love self improvement content?
So, this is where I am this Sunday Early Evening. It is nearly 4:20 now, and I want to smoke something and get on with my evening. I need to do about thirty minutes of cleaning, surfaces, bathroom, sweep, mop, plus dishes, and I also need to do some laundry, which means waiting for the machines to be available, and of course having the quarters available to do the damn laundry in the first place.
I also need to do some plotting for Flake City…And also put on my big girl pants and do some editing for the upcoming writing. I normally don’t have to do much planning, and I just keep writing, but as I draw many stories together, and begin to close up the first section of Flake City before embarking on the next, not to mention all the supplementals that will add more characters, and yes, sometimes, their deaths, to the story.
I have made a planning section in my bullet journal to keep track of these stories and I am working on a time line for not only the events in Flake City, but a real life release of the stories. I am also looking for some artists to commission some work from, to illustrate some of the stories. I haven’t decided on a cohesive style, per se, but I am working on a few ideas, and I may just have several styles of art, several kinds of styles, to really make it seem like a big world, or some major collaboration, or iuno…just because I like artists and can never decide on one style any damn way.
Iuno. I haven’t fleshed that part out yet.
What I do know is I have no small amount of work to do, plus some cleaning, so I am going to wrap this up and get it all edited and scheduled so I can focus on the other writing, cleaning, an prepping for the coming week. I will be making notes of the changes I am implementing this week, for the next few months of work, and that will probably form tomorrows blog. Until then…
Thanks for Reading.