Greetings and salutations, blog readers!
Today I am talking about some fun lessons I have learned about creating in times of sorrow/betrayal, that I hope will be helpful to other creatives having a rough time creating and working on their art while their entire life seems to burn around them.
For me, it has been working through massive feelings of betrayal that no amount of mental work and journaling seems to really help with, because the feelings just creep back in. The feelings creep back in, with a spotlight to shine a light on everything else I have issues with, until I feel like I am lost in a giant pool of sorrow and betrayal, unsure of where to go or what to do, or even which way is up.
I am not handling the betrayal well, to say the least
But, I have made it my goal to at least dedicate myself to my art, for a few reasons, namely my art has never betrayed me, and it is the one thing that isn’t totally destroyed from the betrayal. Also, it is like me, innocent in all of this, so I am clinging to it like a life raft.
Some crazy things have come from this process, mind you, and I thought I would use my time to talk to you all about it, in case anyone else finds themselves in a similar boat.
So, on the negatives, to get those out of the way.
I am lost, most of the time, and am only finding myself feeling whole when discussing my art, or things related to it. My conversations then, as it turns out, are pretty limited to things I am writing, or whatever the other person has going on in their lives. So, on one hand, I am a good listener for other peoples problems, but on the other, my conversational topics all revolve around magic and zombies right now. Sorry to my friends.
Also the content I am taking in. I am already very guilty of having lots of zombie content playing in the background while I am creating, as well as playing the same thing over and over again, but now that is all I have on, (Lookin at your Anna and the Apocalypse) all the time now it seems. At work I am playing the same soundtrack, with only the smallest of break for podcasts, and at home, I am watching/listening to a rotation of zombie movies and shows. (Anna and the Apocalypse, Zombieland 2: Doubletap, Zomboat!, Gangsters, Guns and Zombies, Shaun of the Dead, Zombieland, to name a few)
I am hyper focused, in every way, for my goals and art. Which counts in the positive column, I think.
I am not able to focus on much, mind you. At work, I have kept myself occupied doing a very tedious project I have been putting off for the better part of nearly two years, and that has kept me productive there, taking breaks from that task to use what little brain power I have on my daily obligations at work.
At home, I have been working when I have energy on making the bedroom area someplace I don’t mind spending most of my time in. I have been working on blogs, working on Flake City, and even, occasionally, making TikToks. I have also been trying to vlog more, but I haven’t mastered that yet. This is all mostly good, as the art is benefitting, as is the area around me.
I still need to buy an AC for this room, which I hope to do with my next check. Even with the recent changes in my life, I do have three paychecks this month, so I can afford to finally spend some money on the things I want to do, and things that will help me gain control over my life. I want to pick up some things for the apartment, and even spending money on every single thing I want to buy, including an AC, new bedding, and some stuff for the kitchen like new burners and drip pans, I am well under 500 dollars, which is great, and, I think, fairly doable. (Assuming the Coronavirus panic doesn’t affect work…I am worried it may, with how much is being canceled but I digress)
If I work hard and am careful, I can finish this bedroom off and make it a peaceful spot for working out and being creative, but also a nice spot for rest. I do still need to get a new bed, but some padding for the futon and some new linens should do nicely as well.
I am sure other expenses will pop up, like needing an Ulta trip and some new clothing, but I am pretty good about keeping expenses down, and, honestly, I will likely just buy some new pants, a couple new tank tops, and underwear, the later two to make laundry easier, the pants because I need new pants quite badly.
But, for the most part, I just focusing on the art, and everything around me, I kind of make to serve that purpose. Now I am working on making sure the entire area is “filmable” so I can just crank out the content and always have the stuff in need for my art, be it B roll, or just a note on what I said.
I also know that people doing what I am doing is a bit rare, trying to make money making non conventional, writing, type of art…I mean who the fuck do I think I am, writing about characters that smoke weed and deal with horrible situations?
Meta writing isn’t a real thing, yet, and here I am, trying to make my living doing it…so I am wanting to record everything, and post it for others…but I also know I don’t love how everything looks, so, in an effort to gain control in my life and this crippling sadness I am in with my recent betrayal from someone I love, I am trying to make it better. Shine those uncomfortable lights on things and take care of it, instead of hiding the problems.
Because sometimes, when everything is fine, it is easy to sit in the dark and not notice messes.
But you need to shine that big ugly light of truth on it, and say, hey, would you film that and show it to strangers?
No, every single second of your life doesn’t need to be in the public, but, it does force you to say, “okay, hey, why is it there then?”
Like, take a cluttered corner.
No, you don’t need to show your cluttered mess, but that corner COULD be a good spot to film, if you turned on the light and cleaned it up.
You don’t NEED to show every part of your life, but you should still keep your bathroom clean.
You shouldn’t talk about every part of your failing home life or relationship, but you should shine a light on it, and not let it get ignored.
Sort out the clutter. Physical, emotional, whatever.
Everything has a place.
My writing has been this way too.
I have started journaling not just about my life, but about my writing, and I am slowly finding spots for every story, every idea, and, the more and more I journal, the easier it becomes to find a place for everything, which makes room for more writing, more of the creative process.
It allows me to look at my skills too, and see if I do have anything worth passing to other writers or people who may do this thing after me, people who want to have a nice life writing and bringing their stuff to life, but maybe don’t want to take the traditional pathways to get there, like me.
I also find I can be more external with my writing, in the face of sorrow and such, because I can focus on others, and what I can bring them, versus what I am doing and if they want to be a part of it.
Sure, I don’t plan on changing my stories for others, but I also know I am able to write more than most, and am able to create and imagine more than (some) others, and maybe this process and what I do can help others do what they want.
If it helps one person, that is, I think, pretty great.
Because I personally would LOVE to find even one person going through what I am going through right now, so maybe I need to be that person to someone else.
And maybe that’s the real good to this whole “make the content to support the art” game.
You’re making the content to help others, and, the one person who needs it most, but also, hey, at least it helps fuel the art, or something.
I don’t know.
Just small little insights and lessons from creating in the space of loss.
Anyways, I have more writing in Flake City I need to do, and the one thing I haven’t stayed on top of was taking photos for illustrating blogs, so should work on that too. I am hoping to, in the next few weeks, get back to writing my usual daily blog style daily blogs where I talk about my life more, but for right now it is still a bit of a dumpster fire so…Enjoy some other kinds of content like this and Zombie Reviews, and be impressed that through all of this am still doing at least one blog a day, although I do still really want to get up to two a day.
Thanks, as always, for reading.
PS- Stay tuned for a bonus blog this evening in honor of Friday the 13th.
2 thoughts on “Daily Blog #189: What I have learned by creating in times of sorrow/betrayal”
Sorry to hear about your sad time. Parts of this post remind me of the book I’m currently reading which is a memoire by Rebecca Solnit called ‘Recollections of my Non-Existence’. She struggled too. Probably still does. Maybe we all do on some level. Human condition I suppose. Anyway, good luck.
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Thanks! Yeah suffering is inevitable it seems- but how we deal with it is up to us.
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