Greetings and Salutations, Blog Readers!
It has been a week or more since I did a daily blog that updated everyone on my life, and given how turbulent these times are, it seemed fitting to put together another personal update daily blog.
(As a warning- I do discuss some of the very real life realities of living inside this situation. I don’t want anyone triggered. I do try to keep it positive, and with that in mind, I wanted to mention this in a little warning.)
So, like many people, I am in quarantine/shelter in place orders. Like many others, I am in quarantine/shelter in place orders, after being laid off. My company stayed open as long as it could, but we are now all laid off, and after the hours were cut, the last pay checks weren’t enough to do much of anything. I have been painfully broke for a long while.
We have had blessings, like others, and also, unlike others. Times have been hard but I am VERY aware of how much worse they could be, and how blessed I am. Bret’s family has done all they are able to do to have some food delivered, and to help out, and my parents have boxed up pounds of food to be shipped here from their home in Tennessee. This package, well, several packages, when it arrives, will be life saving, as it has food and personal care products we are painfully out of. It was supposed to arrive today, but alas, USPS.
I do, for the record, keep a stash of supplies on hand, but with Bret losing his job, my hours being cut, and now laid off, and with the over taxed unemployment system taking days to even allow me to log in, we won’t see money for a good long while, and the money we will see will vanish instantly with late fees, over draft fees, and past due bills. Some people say the banks are working with others, that remains to be seen during business hours…but from what I have seen we will still be paying those fees.
A box of food and supplies from my family will be very crucial and helpful, because the money I get in is going to go to bills.
I am trying to avoid stressing, because everything is tricky now, and in my efforts to avoid stressing, I have been working nearly nonstop on various forms of content, with my newly started vlog taking up plenty of attention, not to mention the finale of volume one of Flake City, which is tricky to write in it’s own right.
I am definitely looking forward to the boxes from my family arriving, for sure. It’s kind of hard to be “alone” in the city, with family so far away, so some care packages will do good for my supplies but also my soul.
I am hoping to tackle some more cleaning projects around the apartment this upcoming week, as well, to help myself feel a bit better. I have a few ideas of things to do, but I have also been feeling a bit lower energy…not so much not doing things because I still get things done, but I don’t have as much motivation to clean and such.
My working theory is a combination of, I haven’t been eating properly, I am running out or totally out of most my cleaning supplies, and am so painfully broke and worried about money, all I can really do is hide away in some craft, activity, or potential “monetized” content, like Flake City or my vlog. Not that I plan to ever make money from either.
So, it isn’t the most healthy place, but I am trying. I have been drinking water, and trying to stay hydrated…not going to lie though, I haven’t worked out for shit, despite knowing I absolutly should. But, if I am too low energy to want to clean, it seems even more unlikely that I will work out, since I use cleaning as an excuse to not work out.
Mind you, I still do basics. The litter box gets done, the dishes are washed…hell I even sweep…but with me running out of nearly every multi-purpose cleanser I have, (and running out of the supplies to make my own, too), not to mention being out of things like wet mop cloths, litter, and paper towels, plus being out of money so I can’t wash my microfiber cloths at the laundry room as use that environmentally sound alternative….
It is hard to stay motivated to do much more than the very basics to keep the place clean…and I am running out of the things needed to do that too.
I am out of shampoo, running out of body soap. Hot water can only do so much.
Not to say all of this to complain, again, even as bad as it is, I know I am luckier than many.
While my families care package isn’t here yet, I have a family who is not only able, but willing, to send help. It being delayed and late isn’t anyone’s fault. I am blessed it will be here eventually.
I have a roof over my head to shelter in place in, even if I have no way to pay the bills.
For a week or so more I will continue to have internet, and for two weeks, I should have my phone. Hopefully some money will come in that will allow me to keep internet and phones on, and maybe after that I can pay part of my rent. I am lucky enough to have some money coming in from unemployment.
I am lucky… and I have to keep reminding myself of that…because as it stands…It is looking fairly bleak.
So, I have been trying to stay positive.
Having a vlog to work on has been good for this. Running out of weed and dealing with now very untreated anxiety, depression, PTSD….Not so great.
Donations are, of course, always accepted- Cashapp is $abbigrasso.
This down time has been giving me plenty of time to work on my art and to brainstorm ways to make money from home, because this isn’t sustainable. I don’t know if my job will open up, but I know I can’t depend on some possible government hand out to get assistance either, so I have been hard at work trying to find some more freelance ways, or just side hustle ways, to make a little extra money.
Aside from the current situation, we all know I have been wanting to work from home more. This situation allows all of us to look at if and how we could work from home… and for me it involves trying to see the best way to move forward making money in this economy which may or may not be totally changed.
Much of what I am looking at has changed, in the past few months.
I used to spend more energy being “prepared” for things, and after two years of Bret making fun of me all the time, I slacked off…
Which is fucking terrible because now our animals are out of food, we are feeding them what food we do have so they don’t starve because none of this is their fault. I didn’t have scores of extra toilet paper, I didn’t have bags of rice and beans, (these I did have but us being tight on money made us eat through some of that before the pandemic really started to hit us), I didn’t have extra hygiene products, except for the large bottle of hand soap I had recently purchased.
I let a grumpy asshole who loves to make fun of people to hide his own misery, bully me into not being prepared. He constantly makes fun of me for thinking “what if the zombie apocalypse started” and then when shit hits the fan, I’m left begging my family for help.
So I am not listening to anything anyone says about how I shop or prep, anymore, including Bret. I am so mad at this one fact, it honestly keeps me smoking the pack of ciggys I had leftover.
Not that many of those are left either, with me also smoking puffs to try and keep hunger pains down. I have to let it not bother me, or find a way to not be so angry, because I have plenty of stress as is…and I can’t keep stressing myself out more, it is shit for my health.
I also have to get better at saving money, which has been something we have discussed before. This is tricky, as I really don’t shop a bunch, and what I do buy I wear a lot to get the max use out of it. But thats where earning extra money comes in, however I end up making it. I am looking at several different streams, with the goal of using all this down time to get the start up stuff started….the down side being much of the world is shut down so you can’t always get stuff done, either.
Either way, this pandemic has me looking at everything I could do better, everything I could do moving forward, and everything around me, really analyzing issues and trying to find concrete solutions, and not bandaids.
All this while fighting a soul crushing depression, terrible anxiety, and a myriad of delightful PTSD side effects.
It’s not been easy, with all of this, to stay happy and positive, but I keep trying. I manage to keep myself from being too negative by writing about topics that keep me uplifted, including, yes, zombie content.
I don’t do romance and most comedy is trash, reduced down to fart jokes, and the fart jokes aren’t even well crated. Not all of it, sure. Hell, some of my favorite movies are actually romance or comedy, but, those are stand out films, like Casablanca, not everyday crap like (omits name because the movies I don’t like have die hard fans and frankly, I don’t like when people insult shit I like so I will leave mean things unsaid.)
I do, however, do zombie stuff. Even in this situation.
Because zombie films remind us that humans can fight any situation and win. And man I really need that reminder.
Coronavirus and all the terrible shit going into it, is just another zombie.
A nasty one, and for once, the entire world sees the zombie (now anyways), so at least I am not alone in fighting the zombies. I mean, I do kind of wish I could loot some supplies but it turns out capitalism is the strongest zombie there is.
So, we keep fighting the zombie that is this pandemic.
It hasn’t been easy. But I know I am blessed, more than others. I am also blessed LESS than others, but I don’t think I need to rant about how lucky some people are to retreat to vacation homes, have money in savings, jobs that will keep paying them….Plenty of people are more fortunate than me but it only makes me mad to think about them. Plenty of people are less fortunate, and even though I have no car, food, money, weed, mental stability, or security, I do have a family trying to help, a roof that I won’t be evicted from for a month or two at least, my newly started vlog channel on WeedTube, and this blog.
OnlyFans also verified me quickly, so, I can also try and put paid content up, in hopes of someone wanting that, to solve some of my problems. Some people don’t have an ID, or internet access, to do these things. I do. Bad as it is, I have to focus on what I can do, and what I can control. I am lucky enough to have an ID and Internet. Even if I don’t put risqué content up (or even if I do), I am lucky to have been able to sign up, get verified, and have internet access. I am focusing on what I can control, and trying to reduce my stress.
I suggest everyone else do the same, because this situation may last for a while.
So, put down the scissors, stop trying to cut yourself bangs, drink some water, and focus on things that you can not only control, but will leave you in a better situation AFTER this is over.
None of us have any idea what the world will look like after this, or if it will be changed at all, but, we can use this time to decide how WE want the world to look, and look at the changes we want to make…and with all this extra time we can even work on action plans to make that happen.
The zombies are assholes in this situation, sure, but, as we know, us humans are awesome, and we can beat the zombies.
Don’t let the zombies get you down.
Thanks for reading!