Greetings and Salutations,
Today is Sunday and I haven’t prepped any blogs for the week.
I am also experiencing a big ole case of the blahs. These blahs came from getting a terrible nights sleep Friday, not having my usual Saturday (Not that I am complaining, mind you, it was awesome to get to play some dungeons and dragons, but still, I am a creature of habit), and of course, being a bit nervous about starting my new job.
Additionally, as I have been working through in therapy, I desperately want people to know what is going on with me, to have people care for me as I do them, etc etc, but I also don’t like to tell people anything that is going on with me, including any traumas I am working through and don’t want to tell them about, and, I don’t like to tell people I need attention. No, instead I say shit like “no I’m fine” when I am very much not okay.
And I could get into all the reasons for these things, but, ultimately, I don’t want to get into that online, I have been fairly open thus far but come on.
But, I will say this.
It isn’t great. It sucks, actually. I know that if I would like to feel better, I could easily reach out to people, and say “Hey, I need ____” and communicate what is going on, but, then, this one thought kind of comes up.
What if I do tell them. What if I open up to someone, tell them why I feel certain ways, tell them my needs, communicate whats going on…
And it doesn’t help? What if they reject me, what if they say “hey yeah no thanks” or just cut me out of their lives or whatever other abandonment issue type thing comes to mind.
None of it is healthy, at all, but, I am increasingly more aware of it.
I know I need to fix it, and I think what sucks is I am ready, I think, to start communicating these kinds of things to people, but I can’t get over the fear of telling people these things and then it not changing anything.
I think what I fear most is what if I tell people what I need, and they say no, or, they say yes, but don’t follow through with their actions. Because then, the issue is not communication, and, probably, the thing that fucks with me in so many ways is….
If the issue isn’t the communication, namely, the failure on MY end, it is someone else, which means I have to make a choice regarding if I continue to tolerate that sort of relationship/person.
And for some reason that has always been a tricky thing. If something fails and it’s my fault, it’s almost easier to deal with, but if it is a failure on their part, it drives me insane.
And that fucks me up, because why should I care if others fail to make me happy, and why do I feel it is my own personal failure if they end up not measuring up to the standards I want to have?
I know this sounds like I am talking about other people making up my happiness and I want to clarify- I like my own company, and I like being alone, and I believe people need to make me feel not less happy than I am when alone.
So the issue is not seeking happiness in others, but rather, not wanting others to make me unhappy, and if you have a problem with that boundary I really don’t care.
Basically: if you make me miserable, I want to be alone. However, if you are having a failure within our relationship, I end up hating myself, and feeling bad, for not having lower standards that you could have maybe met. And then doubting that I should expect more.
Like, having someone cheat on you, steal from you, and still feeling bad, mad at myself, that I couldn’t “get over it” and forgive them for those things.
It’s a complicated contradiction, and I am sure some trained professionals understand, because my therapist does, and we are working through it. I won’t speak to the why, because I don’t want anyone using this to try and diagnose themselves because you do not have the same history and mental makeup as I do.
But we are working on it.
And I hope you are working on your stuff too, in whatever way that means for you.
I started this blog to talk about my blahs and instead it turned into this weirdly personal blog all about what I am working through, but, oh well, I hope you enjoyed and as always-
Thanks for reading.