Greetings and Salutations, Blog Reader,
Today we are talking about…why I am willingly going to be a hermit for at least a month, but likely the foreseeable future.
This is a choice I have been thinking about, and, when finally, I was given some time alone with my thoughts in a stressful situation, I realized it’s a choice I have been dying to make, and I need to give myself permission to do something major for myself.
First: some parameters.
When I say hermit mode, I understand that living in Downtown Houston means I am not really doing a proper hermit in the woods kind of thing. That’s fine. I don’t need that- I am sure if I could have the same solitude I am enjoying here, in the woods, I could be into it, but, for now, I am still in my apartment.
But it does mean I will not venture out for social reasons. I have decided I will do grocery trips, and my weekly trip to Dungeons and Dragons. That is likely it. Maybe hang with Amber, but only for the following reason.
My beautiful, wonderful, amazing bestie Amber told me her plans to recharge and be a hermit and it struck me that while I like to be a hermit, I never just give myself permission, something Amber has been working on for herself…
So, trusting my bestie as I do, I started thinking about it. Amber is the far more social of the two of us, and her family functions alone keep her more social than I could imagine, but, despite her being a more naturally inclined social person, she still runs low on social energy, and still needs to charge her batteries.
I am less social than Amber, with less social skills, and, it should be noted, I have a myriad of mental issues that make the whole being social thing that much more difficult. Not only difficult, it makes it draining, it makes it take so much more out of me than merely working or doing some other arduous activity.
It’s not to say I don’t love my friends, but it takes so much out of me. Going out in public where it won’t just be my friends is even worse, because it is so many other people.
All this on top of it still being a pandemic- and while I am vaccinated, people are also just acting so…
I don’t know why people feel the need to be mean to other humans, even if they are the ones getting your drink, and I can’t stand dealing with public assholes. Like no one is “beaneath” another human so why do certain people feel the need to treat people just minding their business and working their jobs, why do some people need to be so mean? All that time inside made certain people become more mean and hateful, and I can’t stand it.
And it drains me.
So why not follow my besties lead and give myself permission to be a hermit?
I am tired of forcing myself to do things I don’t want to do, because other people want to do them, and they don’t like being alone.
I LOVE being alone. I keep depriving myself of time alone and it kills me. The time I spend at home, with just myself and my cats? My mental health is so much stronger. I have done a ton of work in therapy to be good at being by myself. I am a big believer in “by myself, not alone” because I am so very happy alone.
So why am I not enjoying it? Why am I not actively positioning myself to be around myself?
This last reason is a big one.
Why work on being happy alone and then never spend time alone.
So, on top of all these mental health reasons, I have a few more.
I am working full time now and needing to catch up and implement a sustainable content schedule. I had a schedule sorted out before my MacBook died, so, that issue messed with that plan. Should I be able to get my MacBook up and running, I can play catchup on my MacBook. Should I not be able to, I will play even more catch up on my new computer, in addition to having to find a new movie editor to video edit with…So here’s hoping I can fix my MacBook, but either way, I will be spending most of my evening time working on catching up on content.
On top of this, I have physical fitness I want to do and games I want to play, and frankly, going out to spend money I would rather be saving, is not serving those goals.
Spending four or more hours, because it’s never the quick hour or two you want it to be, drinking and spending money isn’t going to help me achieve physical fitness goals, nor will it help me grow my business, my writing, my savings, my content goals…
It just won’t.
I have another blog I need to work on, all about my end of year glow up attempts where I am trying to make my entire life glow up, but part of that work is my plans for my writing and business efforts…
I can’t waste time not pursuing those goals. I need to spend time doing these things I enjoy, and not spend time doing things I don’t, that don’t serve me.
Oh! And I have all these awesome video games to play…so like…Why go to a bar when I can go to a tavern?
There is also the realization that by pushing myself so thin, depriving myself of the time alone I desperately want and need, I am not able to enjoy my time with people I actually want to be around.
I can’t enjoy the times I do decide to be social or go out, if I am always going out and not enjoying it, being social and feeling drained, not inspired.
I once blogged about your circle needing to inspire you, or else it was a cage, not a circle.
I want to return to that sort of mentality, but with my improved knowledge of myself and my circle. Some of the people in my circle then were utter snakes, and need/ed to be removed.
So, I am going into hermit mode, and I only plan on being in person social with less than five people. My goals are to basically only go out for groceries or for dungeons and dragons
I plan on doing this for about a month or so, and seeing what changes I want to make. Maybe I will add things like grabbing lunch with someone, or something like that. I am keeping space for some of my friends who may want or need to hang out, but only the ones who give me a feeling of inspiration, not draining me of my valuable energies.
It sucks to say, but some people only drain you, and I can’t keep dealing with it and tolerating it, as it is deeply impacting my mental health, and also, I am worth more than that.
I am doing this month of Hermit Mode for so many reasons, but, they all boil down to- I am taking care of myself.
Thanks for reading,
PS- My goal is to be able to focus more on the blog, but I may spend my first week of hermit mode not engaging with anything online either, to truly get my head sorted.