It’s hard for it to NOT be hard.
As in, days that go really well, can kind of freak you out. Realizing you have managed to ride a depressive episode and not actually do anything stupid, or struggle as much as usual? Can give you an anxiety attack.
You can get anxiety over not having the same struggles.
Whether you gaslight yourself “were you ever really mentally ill then?” Or just freak yourself from how well things are going, sometimes you get anxiety from improving your mental health. You get mad for suffering in the past, but hopefully you have learned healthier mechanisms to not stay mad at yourself, and not let the anxiety build itself up too far.
It’s easier to do things that are good for you
Suddenly, washing dishes, doing laundry, working out, eating healthy…. It’s easier. Journaling, going to therapy, communicating…all becomes easier. Sure, nothing is easy all the time, and mental health is never fully cured, but all of a sudden, those things that used to be hard to do, become easy. Depression no longer makes cleaning your house or washing your body as hard. Anxiety no longer gets completely in the way of every single interaction you ever hope to have. PTSD triggers can even be less triggering, the more you work on them. It makes you realize why everyone keeps saying to just “do” things- because for neurotypical, mentally healthy people, it is as easy as simply DOING the things. Which brings me to my next point.
You resent neurotypical and mentally healthy people a little more.
So sure, you resented the normies more back when you weren’t doing as well, but now that you see glimpses of how easy they have it on a day-to-day basis, and they don’t have to do the work you do to have those days, you get a little resentful.
I don’t like having normal friends now. Like, if you are a neurotypical, we likely won’t be close friends. It’s just annoying that you get to rock a normal life with no effort and i struggle to shower.
Is it fair? No. Do I care? No. Sorry typical people, everything else in this world is for you, so I am sure me being a little annoyed with you won’t hurt your feelings too much. Most of y’all are pretty unbothered anyways.
You find yourself wanting to talk about mental health more.
I don’t know if it’s because you finally have some answers, or because you know your solutions and want to help, but as your mental health improves, you’ll hear yourself offering up mental wellness help.
The difference though, is in how you offer help. Unlike douchey NT people, or those who don’t suffer much from mental illness, you offer advice from a place of healing, from a place of practicality, and a place of understanding. You not only know useful tips to offer, but ways to actually implement them that make sense to someone suffering.
For example, instead of telling someone “If you run five miles every day your anxiety and depression will magically go away” you suggest they try to stretch for just five minutes, you invite them for a nice light walk in a quiet park. Instead of saying “eat healthy” you suggest they have some prepped fruits and veggies in the front of their fridge, at eye level, so they are more inclined to reach for it.
You KNOW the struggles, and you offer advice that is actually fucking useful, all while knowing that until they decide to do it, none of it matters anyways, just like with your own struggles.
And you don’t judge them for not being there, either.
You get high again.
Fun fact…Until recently I hadn’t been high in ages. Yes, I smoke weed ALL the time, I dab high quality wax concentrates like it’s my job and I’m employee of the month all year.
Now I can’t really do dabs without being on the moon high, and my smoking has reduced down so far my dealer even said she was proud of my mental health.
When you use cannabis medicinally, people always wonder how you aren’t high as a kite when going through all the product you consume, and when you need less because you aren’t struggling as much, you end up getting high.
I was sitting on my couch freaking out until I realized, holy shit, I am fucking high!
I will probably do a longer blog post about this one, as I am still testing my tolerance and such, but for now, know this: When your mental health improves, you can get a lot more high, and smoke a lot less.
Which in turn helps you pay for therapy.
You will still have days where things are decidedly not okay.
And that doesn’t mean you aren’t doing better; it means that mental unwellness is a lifelong struggle. Our goals are to do as best we can and learn better styles of maneuvering on those bad days. For example, I started writing this blog on a good day, and finished it on a rough day.
Anyways, these are a few things I noticed about my improving mental health. Let me know if you notice any changes on your mental health journey.
Thanks for reading,