Greetings and salutations, blog readers!

I haven’t been posting much, I have been trying to take care of other needs, namely my mental health, which brings me to today’s blog post topic.

Last night, I had the first good night sleep I have had in ages.

Usually I have either terrible, often violent, fucked up dreams that stick with me for entirely too long, or no dreams at all, with no deep, restive sleep.

Last night, I had neither. I slept deeply, deep enough to dream, and, in this dream, I was not haunted by horrible images and scenarios. I was not experiencing the kind of dream that makes me say “bring it on, Freddy Kruger”- no, last night, I had a super cool, albeit random, dream, and woke feeling rested and excited to tackle the day…and it has been a horribly long time since that happened.

Sure, I have had mornings where depression isn’t crushing my soul, so it isn’t a fight to get up – but I have not had mornings where I had a good night of rest, a pleasant dream that left me happy, and an urge to get up and attack the day, doing my best.

I have been able to dedicate much more work effort than usual, clearly solving issues and sorting out problems. I have been able to clean the toilet (it got out of hand) and also pick up the office.

This seems small but like, I have been putting off basic cleaning stuff I normally do regularly because the depression and lack of sleep has been getting to me. I would stretch and hate how the carpet smelled. But I would just keep dealing with it. But I am worth more than that. I am worth more than smelling a funky smell on a dirty carpet when trying to honor my best self and stretching.

I am worth taking time to pick up and vacuum, so I can stretch on a clean floor.

I can’t find my damn yoga mat, and I should buy a new one. Maybe I will. I deserve this sort of care.

I cleaned the toilet, which has me eying the rest of my bathroom…My depression has made it quite dirty. I have been trying to do things, like doing my skin care, doing my makeup, to try and make myself feel better, but my counter is cluttered and dirty, the trash needs to be taken out, and the floor needs to be swept and mopped. I was having a terrible panic attack on Friday, and there I was, laying on the floor, and making myself feel worse, because I was on a dirty floor feeling like shit, when I KNOW deep down, I deserve a clean floor to have a panic attack on. I mean, I deserve to not have a panic attack to begin with, but small steps.

So, after this blog, I will likely go and finish cleaning up the bathroom- because I deserve a clean bathroom and I deserve a clean floor to have a panic attack on.

I paused, having motivated myself, and cleaned off the counters, and feel even better for my efforts.

All of this is from one good night of sleep, one night of rest with good dreams.

Amazing what one night can do. Now, when I finish work today, I will go downstairs, do the dishes, make some dinner, and maybe take a bath? Or shower? Not sure, but something wonderful that also helps my hygiene.

Now, for the weird but good dream:

I was randomly in an ocean, like in a video game, I spawned into the ocean. There were people swimming and playing, and I wasn’t anxious about the crowds. There were dolphins and other sea creatures, all swimming with the humans. It was a tropical place, but as I swam towards the beach, I swam into a polar bear and their cub, which prompted the momma bear to start growling at me, but the dolphins explained to the bear that I was good, and I swam with the dolphins to the shore. Yes, there should not have been polar bears there, and yes, it was weird dolphins cleared up the miscommunication.

When I got to the shore, I find a cabana, and some friends were there, including Kim and her daughter, who wanted to go swimming again. I didn’t have any SPF, so she gave me some while Brooke waited patiently to go into the water again. I applied the SPF, but alas, the sun wasn’t burning my skin like usual, and, even better, despite the sun glowing bright and not having any sunglasses, the sun didn’t give me a headache like it normally does. For those of you who don’t know, I have a sun allergy, and the sun normally burns my skin and causes blisters within minutes, and causes a splitting headache without shade and sunglasses, and even then, the sun leaves me worn out – but in this dream I felt great, the sun felt wonderful, I felt happy, I felt warmed by the sun, no headache, and like I was absorbing the happy chemicals the sun gives people.

I woke up happy, relaxed, and for the first time in a long time…well rested.

Now, some of you may think it isn’t wise to so freely and openly discuss my mental health, I mean, my current or future bosses could be seeing this!

But that is just it. The more we DON’T talk about our mental health, the more people suffer in silence, the more they don’t seek help or healthy habits to try and improve their mental health.

People suffer, and in too many cases, they suffer in horrible ways, and sometimes make bad choices that either make their suffering worse, or…well…you know…never get the chance to feel better or at least learn to live with their mental health. Us not talking about it leads to people un-aliving themselves, it leads to permanent “solutions” to problems that could be handled with therapy, medication, healthy habits, etc.

I don’t want this to happen. I want us to all be able to freely and openly discuss mental health and find ways to be okay.

So, I will continue to speak openly about my own mental health.

And if people don’t like it, I don’t really care. This stuff is important, and I think we should make mental health discussions more common place, and less taboo, so no one suffers in silence.

No one should need to suffer in silence, they should be able to talk about their struggles, and, hopefully, find solutions that lead to better mental health.

So, I hope you are all finding ways to improve your mental health and are remembering that sleep is a big part of being mentally healthy.

Prioritize your sleep, your health, and your overall well-being.

Thanks for reading,

Abbi