Greetings and Salutations, Blog Readers!
(Happy Blog Post 300! In honor of that…I get VERY open and honest with you all, setting the tone for the new energy we are bringing to the blog, which I know I have talked about. Why not Daily Blog #300 to start it out? Enjoy!)
Today we are talking about something I am working on, and I think you all could probably benefit from it too.
Cutting off toxicity.
And when I say cutting off, I don’t mean putting up boundaries and keeping them at a distance…
Because I am well past that.
In my life I have been dealing with a particularly toxic person, and, thankfully, I have been in therapy to work through my own issues and also the issues I picked up from being with a raging narcissistic asshole who preferred lies and theft over any form of being an honest, good person.
I spent years with someone who would rather lie than be truthful, often for his own amusement or gain. There were so many things I did not see, or know, about this person and our relationship, and the more I learn, the more glad I am the universe finally showed the truth to me.
NOW, I am well aware of so many of the problems, and while I am sure his masterful lies have kept more truths from me, and I probably still don’t know EVERYTHING he lied about, I do know he is a toxic fucking narcissist who will say or do anything for himself.
So, the problem, in my case, and likely in many others, is when you end a relationship with a narcissist, even if THEY wanted it, they want to keep you around. They need their safety net of the last victim, and you, a dumbass…Sorry no, not a dumbass…a person who wants to believe the best, are maybe a little…ahem…not smart. (I am working on the way I speak to myself, and I am not great at it, but I am working on it.)
Whether you let them have contact with you or they force it with connections like shared accounts or friends, if you are in my boat, you have a person you can’t quite stop speaking to. And they have no problem acting out of pocket in every possible way, crossing boundaries and barriers you have put up, because narcissists can’t fathom not being the center of your world.
If you don’t reply to them fast enough, you get extra spicy questions asked with plenty of attitude, all about where you are and who you are with. They will say and do things in such nasty toxic ways, all designed to get them what they want.
WHATEVER they claim they “just wanted to talk about” it was not about that. It was about control. It was about making sure you still answer to them. Making sure the narcissist feels they have control, they have power, they can continue to live the lie they have built for themselves that requires you being a doormat.
And when you speak up? Put up boundaries? Say shit like “You aren’t entitled to that information?”
Cue the toxic gas lighting with “always and never” language. “Why is it every time I try to have a conversation with you, you turn it into a fight” Or “why cant you just talk to me?” or some other TOXIC ass version that REALLY, is not about a conversation at all.
They are mad that they no longer have control and can’t get the information or reaction out of you, and instead of respecting that they have decided to use shitty, toxic, communication styles to make you feel like shit (maybe make you feel like it was you who caused the fights, not him, the one putting holes in your walls because “you just make him that mad”), they use this style of communication to gaslight you into thinking your boundaries are you being unreasonable, and they are, once again, the poor, innocent angel the WHOLE world is against, and why is everyone so cruel to the poor, wittle, narcissist.
And if you have trauma from your upbringing, you may just fall into it.
If you have been working on all of this with journaling and therapy, you may write a blog instead.
Cheers, you can see which I went with.
No more of that bullshit is being tolerated in my life, more so since I have demanded better in my dating life and have therefore found bliss. Why the FUCK would I allow a narcissist, who I had a bad relationship and worse sex life with, allow me even a moments frustration or hurt? He had YEARS of that. Now it’s my time for happiness.
So, when you see these messages, you may think of a million comments to send back.
You may think of some snippy fun message all about how much better you are without such toxic shit in your life. Hell, maybe, like me, you will think you should send a message saying “I refuse to answer toxic messages like that.”
But maybe, also like me, you will realize that giving the narcissist ANY response, is giving them something, and you are worth more.
In my personal case, I am willing to have conversations that are respecting boundaries and are not toxic. If you can’t have one of those, we simply will not be communicating.
And that is a full statement that I am very pleased with.
Major shout out to my friends and therapist who have been working with me to get better at boundaries, and setting boundaries, and my journal has been good for exploring the importance of them and ways to establish them.
Special shout out to my good friend Drew who has been kind enough to join me on walks and hikes, and long conversations, all about how “no.” is a complete sentence.
Anyways, my new rule, I do not respond to toxic bullshit, is going strong, and if I haven’t responded to your text, maybe check your tone. There may be a reason I didn’t.
Namely, you didn’t respect my boundaries, and therefore are not receiving any sort of response from me.
Mental health is wealth- and we are chasing that bag.
Thanks for reading,